Lovehate

About HB– I’m mad that I never fulfill my promises to myself. When I say I won’t pick up his calls or reply to his texts, I can’t bring myself to do it. When I say I will confront him about how I feel, I always stutter and end up just keeping quiet– even if for the past year all I end up feeling are pain and disappointment. When I say I won’t hang out with him or be so easy to invite out, I always end up doing the contrary.

I hate it that I’m so vulnerable, that I can forgive easily. Maybe I’ve been oversensational about it, but I always tell myself that this unhealthy overthinking, over-analyzing, and over-feeling about HB must stop. Now. Oh, since last year! And where are we now?– We’re still friends. He’s still friends with me, as if there’s no awkwardness or drama that occurred during the past months. (With reference to my previous post about the cat being out of the bag, we are now officially a “loveteam” in CP and they tease us right in front of our faces.) Anytime he calls I’m still that girl to come running, to do anything for him.

As I said in my previous post, I won’t go out with HB & A last night since I felt that I was already improving and that I didn’t need to add salt to the wound. Ouch, as expected… I did the exact opposite. And I’m annoyed at myself for being so stupid, so vulnerable… on the other hand it wasn’t so bad after all.

After dinner with Isko, I headed to Makati to join HB and A for drinks at Cafe Puccini. My CP officemates were also in High Street so I decided to meet up with HB & A first, then we all go. A was able to convince me to go clubbing but unfortunately the clubs were closed so we just brought her home. HB invited me to have drinks in BF– and guess what– I said yes, which was totally not surprising. The bars were closed though so we just called it a night.

So what made me decide to go, after all the pep talks? As I said earlier I was okay with beer and hanging out, but not with clubbing. A told me they were only hanging out, and there was a CP thing in the area anyway so I decided that it wouldn’t hurt to drop by. I was initially in a bad mood when we started and A was calling me out on it that I wasn’t happy– I was actually just being a bitch. Okay, out of my love for A she convinced me to go clubbing with them and I told her I was doing it for her. It really wasn’t so bad since we all got along, and she was telling me I didn’t have to dance with HB anyway, and that I could do so so so much better than him. But at the end of the day, I’m always that vulnerable one. I’m already embarrassed of myself to my friends who’ve always been telling me to stop! I think I deserve a big T on my forehead. Stupid stupid girl.

Better, bitter?

Yesterday, HB asked me & A out to dinner & clubbing tonight. After an hour and a plead to Ian to accompany me (he said no), I replied that I already had dinner plans– plain, simple and indifferent, not suggesting another time. Besides, I really have plans with Isko; we were gonna catch up over dinner tonight. If this was me one year ago, I surely would’ve cancelled on Isko, but now I would NOT to such a thing.

One side is that I can go out with them separately, but I can’t take going out with both of them at the same time. Especially with me knowing that HB liked A but A didn’t like him back, and with A knowing that I liked HB, but he doesn’t like me back. I can stomach dinner, but clubbing (which is something I like to do especially with HB) with the both of them? Nah. And like I said, I won’t cancel any prior plans this time. One way or another someone’s gonna be left out; I’m not gonna allow it to be me, and I won’t do that to A either.

Another side is that I can’t imagine how HB can have the nerve to invite me to a gimmick with A. Kapal! Well, he knows that 1. We can use my car as long as he drives, and 2. The easiest way he can get quality time with A is through me. In the past we never talked about her and he never asked, even if I was totally updated. HB still hasn’t gone back to me on what I told him last year (anong petsa na!!!); he clearly knows my feelings and intentions. Hello! How can he expect me to live with the three of us going out??? Awkward!

I think they’re still hanging out, but not going clubbing… but I’d rather not know how that goes!

Anyway, I’m pretty satisfied with myself for doing a good job with trying to move on. In all fairness, I could live without him there. I don’t miss him anymore. I don’t feel empty when I’m out and he’s not there. I don’t need him to have a good time. And thus, I don’t wanna add salt to the already healing wound, knowing myself and how I can flip-flop in such a short time. But as I told Noel yesterday, the reasons why I like him are still there and they’ll never change. It’s only the fact that I like him that isn’t there anymore. The operative word being: ANYMORE! 

Despite that, I can’t help that there are still feelings of bitterness. Knowing I have some control of him and the situation, I want to make things hard for HB. A is never gonna go clubbing alone with him, and knowing that I can get all three of us together makes me not want to do it all the more. He sounded so excited when he texted me yesterday pa naman, but I hate to break it to you kid, it’s payback time. Haha!

(Please smack me in the face if I flip-flop again, okay?)

Strong girl, you

Remembering what August (my fortune-teller) said– that the next few months will only reinforce that HB is a lost cause–

I still have a lot of reason to cry. To mope, to be angry, sad, and most of all, disappointed.

BUT, I CHOOSE NOT TO BE.

FIGHT!

Love and sex and magic

I totally love this video, it’s so HOT!

Ciara feat. Justin Timberlake – Love Sex Magic

Reposting some stuff

Doing some blog-hopping (specifically on Chico Garcia’s blog), I stumbled upon these videos he re-posted, and they just totally made my morning:

Evil Dad

This thing already happened to me before in college when that massive string of “spot the difference” emails was passed on. I played the same prank on my brother and his reaction was totally hilarious.

Cross-Eyed Janina San Miguel Spoof

Mark introduced me to the song remix of this one last year. This however spoofs the original one with a cross-eyed Japanese looking guy/girl/? !

Chico Garcia also mentioned this website where you can create your own mix based on Daft Punk’s “One More Time” using your keyboard or mouse:

http://www.najle.com/idaft/

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I realized I haven’t posted anything relevant here in ages, after reading some of my other friends’ blogs. I used to want to be a writer but now I’m totally busy that I don’t have time to think of what to write anymore, it’s sad! Anyway hopefully with the Holy Week vacation in tow (and with a lot of time at home to spare), I can squeeze in a decent post or two. Hehe. Time for a new theme too  so I changed it!