Lovehate
About HB– I’m mad that I never fulfill my promises to myself. When I say I won’t pick up his calls or reply to his texts, I can’t bring myself to do it. When I say I will confront him about how I feel, I always stutter and end up just keeping quiet– even if for the past year all I end up feeling are pain and disappointment. When I say I won’t hang out with him or be so easy to invite out, I always end up doing the contrary.
I hate it that I’m so vulnerable, that I can forgive easily. Maybe I’ve been oversensational about it, but I always tell myself that this unhealthy overthinking, over-analyzing, and over-feeling about HB must stop. Now. Oh, since last year! And where are we now?– We’re still friends. He’s still friends with me, as if there’s no awkwardness or drama that occurred during the past months. (With reference to my previous post about the cat being out of the bag, we are now officially a “loveteam” in CP and they tease us right in front of our faces.) Anytime he calls I’m still that girl to come running, to do anything for him.
As I said in my previous post, I won’t go out with HB & A last night since I felt that I was already improving and that I didn’t need to add salt to the wound. Ouch, as expected… I did the exact opposite. And I’m annoyed at myself for being so stupid, so vulnerable… on the other hand it wasn’t so bad after all.
After dinner with Isko, I headed to Makati to join HB and A for drinks at Cafe Puccini. My CP officemates were also in High Street so I decided to meet up with HB & A first, then we all go. A was able to convince me to go clubbing but unfortunately the clubs were closed so we just brought her home. HB invited me to have drinks in BF– and guess what– I said yes, which was totally not surprising. The bars were closed though so we just called it a night.
So what made me decide to go, after all the pep talks? As I said earlier I was okay with beer and hanging out, but not with clubbing. A told me they were only hanging out, and there was a CP thing in the area anyway so I decided that it wouldn’t hurt to drop by. I was initially in a bad mood when we started and A was calling me out on it that I wasn’t happy– I was actually just being a bitch. Okay, out of my love for A she convinced me to go clubbing with them and I told her I was doing it for her. It really wasn’t so bad since we all got along, and she was telling me I didn’t have to dance with HB anyway, and that I could do so so so much better than him. But at the end of the day, I’m always that vulnerable one. I’m already embarrassed of myself to my friends who’ve always been telling me to stop! I think I deserve a big T on my forehead. Stupid stupid girl.
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